Media Mike's Archive

MEDIA MIKE IS PRETTY FLY....FOR A WHITE GUY!.....OR IS HE?"

I like to consider myself a relatively hip guy. A man who is up on the cultural zeitgeist of the moment. I mean I'm not going to be a MTV veejay or appear in a Mountain Dew commercial, but I am not that far removed from "Gen X." However, I must admit that there have been a few chinks in my coolness armor. I was one of the last people to let go of the 8-track tape. I still have scores of 8-tracks in my apartment, but since the homeless stole my 8-track player out of my storage bin (along with my vintage porn), the tunes stare mockingly at me--unplayable! What I wouldn't give to slide Foghat "Stone Blue" into that big ole slot. Or, maybe listen to the best soundtrack of the '70s,"FM." No static at all! So, I admit that that is not too cool. I will also admit to falling for that whole country fad in the mid-'90s and I have the Suzy Bogguss to prove it! But that too passed and my coolness returned to me....I thought.

One day at the flicks, I was thumbing through the latest Spin magazine. Now for those of you who have never read Spin, let me describe it for you. It is a Rolling Stone for folks who don't like big words. It is THE Gen X music magazine. The kind of magazine you would read between rapes at Woodstock. I got 2 years free when I re-upped my Rolling Stone subscription and it was worth every penny. It is my Gen X hipness barometer.

The article that caught my eye was entitled "The 90 Greatest Albums of the '90s. "Hey!" I thought. "This will be an interesting test! Let's see how many you have! And see how 'cool' you are Media Mike!" Please note that when I talk to myself, I use short sentences and tend to be very excited. Now, I didn't expect to have all of them. I was sure that during my "Boot Scootin'" time, I probably missed a few great albums. But, I thought I would have around 10 to 15. Hell, I own all three Sheryl Crow albums...I must be hip!

I started slow. The number one album of the '90s was Nirvana's "Nevermind" and I didn't have it. It is tough to claim any hipness and not own, what according to Spin magazine, is the greatest album of the decade! Hoping no one noticed my diminished coolness, I quickly turned the page. DAMN! Public Enemy and PJ Harvey. I don't own either. 0-for-3! Why, oh why, didn't you buy that used Public Enemy CD! "Fight the Power," man. I am down with Spike. I try to do the right thang. Next page.....Beck and Pavement. I don't even know who the hell Pavement is 0-for 5! People in the theatre are starting to move away from me just in case my uncoolness is cautious. I demand a recount!

I start turning the pages like a maniac, surely I would pick it up in the next five. Hole, Bjork, Dr. Dre, Radiohead and The Chemical Brother. Uh.....no, no, no, no, no. 0-for-10! I own none of the ten greatest albums of the '90s as compiled by that bastion of Gap hipness, Spin magazine. A pocket protector suddenly appears on my shirt.

The next ten--Zero! No Nine Inch Nails, no Tricky, no Moby. I suck. Who am I trying to fool? Why don't I go home and quit pretending? I am not cool! I have never even been to the Viper Room for God's sakes. And, my goatee sucks.

Gentle reader, I will spare you the details of my complete devastation. Of the 90 Greatest Albums of the '90s, I owned exactly....ONE! No. #61, Lucinda William's "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road." I rock.

In the end, I guess it is a good thing that the man behind the curtain was exposed. Anyway, I was tired of being called "Sir" in the mosh pit.

Until next time, stay "cool" and remember what Bizkit sezs..."I did it all for the nookie!" See ya!