From the Joe Fan Archives
August 28, 1999

Joe Fan's Football
Film Festival

The rites of fall are many; the turning of the leaves, the chill in the air, LA gang members changing from t-shirts to lovely mock turtlenecks. Of course, there’s football, the personification of America’s love affair with violence. Fall also means it’s time for my annual football film festival. This year was particularly exciting, since I had made the technological leap from a Betamax to a VHS VCR. That meant we could watch something other than “Brian’s Song,” the only football film available on Betamax. And, thus, “Brian’s Song” was the only film shown at the first five Football Film Fests.

This year, the festival was set for Labor Day and timed to end just as the docile tones of Hank Williams Jr. queries, “if we’re ready for some football?” The attendants were the usual suspects—myself, Jethro (last name) and Lewis, and even though there are only three of us, we call ourselves the “The Gang of Four.”

The festival started with my choice, “The Longest Yard,” starring Burt Reynolds. Filmed during Reynold’s wisecracking Southern boy period (1968-present), “The Longest Yard” was Reynold’s magnum opus. Nothing he had done in previous films, not in “Gator,” not in “White Lightning,” prepared the viewer for his portrayal of Paul “Wrecking” Crew. Crew, a former NFL quarterback, had been banned from the league for point-shaving and, generally, for having a bad attitude. The movie begins with an Oscar-nominated car chase (Best Use of a Lynard Skynard Song In A Film). Reynolds ends up in a prison run by a very un-“Green Acres”-like, Eddie Albert. Since I hate reviewers that give away the plot, let me just say—football ensues. Now, I’m no Siskel and Ebert, (all right, I’m a little bit Ebert), but you’d be hard pressed to find a more enjoyable football film. It is genuinely funny and the editing is classic 70’s, at times employing a four-way spilt screen! And, at the end, when Reynolds scores the winning touchdown (okay, so I gave away the ending, but not the plot, I hate when reviewers give away the plot!) in a slow-motion sequence, highlighted by an aria of bone-crushing hits and primal grunts, you will leap from your Barca-Lounger in joy. Now, if you haven’t seen the film, don’t despair! I think there’s a special ruling by the FCC, requiring the TBS superstation to show “The Longest Yard,” once a week. Check your local listings. Using the five thumb system, (I find two thumbs too limiting), on the Joe Fan scale—5 thumbs up!

Now, it was time for Jethro’s film. And he, inexplicably, chose “Brian’s Song!” His choice was met with stunned silence. Why, after five years of only “Brian’s Song,” would he pick it again? Why must we see the valiant struggle of a Chicago Bear running back against a deadly disease...again? But, deep in our hearts, we knew why. You see Sports Fans, watching “Brian’s Song” is one of only two times in life that it is acceptable for grown men to cry in front of each other. The other time is when your team gives up a back-door touchdown in the last minute of a game to blow the spread, then you’re allowed to wail like an Iraqi midwife. On the Joe Fan scale—3 thumbs up, 2 thumbs sideways.

To close the Fest, Lewis chose “You’ve Got Mail.” Now, you might not remember any football in the Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan romantic comedy and there isn’t any. But, please, three football films in one day? How many hours can you spend watching grown men kick a pig’s bladder around? Plus, when everyman Hanks finally lands that muffin Ryan, well Sports Fans, a third reason was found for grown men to cry in public. On the Joe Fan scale—2 thumbs up, 3 thumbs sideways.

OTHER FOOTBALL FILMS OF NOTE: Really good football films are rare, perhaps because it’s tough to recreate that feeling of 70,000 rabid fans on film (how do you feed all those extras?). After taking an informal poll, here’s a two-minute drill of football films.

“RUDY”—Would rank as the best football movie of all-time, except for the fact that it took place at Notre Dame. Four thumbs up, one thumb sideway.

“THE PROGRAM”—One of the worst films ever, football or not. They spent the whole movie showing what jerks the players are and then you’re supposed to cheer them in the end. That’s too much like real sports. Five thumbs down.

“WILDCATS”—Goldie Hawn takes over as high school football coach. Predictable fare, except for a jarring Hawn nude scene in the middle. Three thumbs sideways, two thumbs down...and a VCR that plays frame-by-frame.

“ANY GIVEN SUNDAY”—Ollie Stone’s drive-by shooting of the NFL. Beautifully filmed; but with detestable characters, an implausible story, and so many cliches and errors, that is impossible to enjoy if you are a football fan. In the end, our team pulls together and overcomes adversity to win, not the Super Bowl mind you, but a wildcard game in Dallas! Go Team! There is a very good movie in “Any Given Sunday” and it is called “Ben Hur.” You can see clips of it in this dog or, do yourself a favor and rent “Ben Hur” instead. Five thumbs sideways.

“GUS”—A field goal kicking mule! How can you go wrong with this Disney film from the ‘70s. No “The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes,” but still! No thumbs, but four hoofs!

“VARSITY BLUES”—Two parts MTV, two parts football, one part nudity = guilty pleasure. Though it is disturbing to watch Jon Voight’s scenery-chewing cliche head coach. I particularly like the part where the high school sex ed teacher happens to be a stripper at the local club, BUT no one knows. Three thumbs up, one thumb sideways, one thumb down.

“NUMBER ONE”—A movie I saw as a kid, with Charlton Heston leading the New Orleans Saints to a playoff victory. As a part time fan of the Saints, I know is must have been a Disney movie cause it ain’t happened in real life. No thumbs, due to foggy memory.

From the Joe Fan ArchivesAugust 28, 1999

From the Joe Fan ArchivesAugust 28, 1999

Joe Fan's FootballFilm Festival

From the Joe Fan Archives
August 28, 1999

From the Joe Fan Archives
August 28, 1999

Joe Fan's Football
Film Festival