From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
August 23, 2000

BIG IS IN??!!!

Late Tuesday night, the CPC was draining a few frostys at the Gladstone’s in Universal City. I was there with a group from my hand modeling class and we were discussing the new film, “The Tao of Steve.” I gave it a rave review with five thumbs up. Why all the upturned digits? Well, gentle readers (and readers that like it a little rough), “The Tao of Steve” is about a big guy that gets lots of chicks!

No, really!

These ever-so-rare films are pure “Capra-corn” to me. The last flick I remember in this vein was a John Candy movie called “Only The Lonely,” where JC wooed, wowed and won Ally Sheedy. Of course, the filmmakers made Ally Sheedy a bit of a freak, otherwise how would “Tubby” ever land a normal hot chick? That is usually the only way Hollywood can deal with portly man love. That, or the old standby, fat guy loves beautiful girl, and even though she values his friendship, he does not make her feel all hot and bothered like the handsome leading man. And in every one of these films, there is always this scene and in the stinkin’ scene she tells Lardass that he will need his “man parts” about as much as a Ken Doll and this scene, this stinkin’ scene, ALWAYS takes place at a bar! And the big guy, though completely devastated, ALWAYS makes a witty self-deprecating remark and gives Julia or Meg or whomever, permission to go to the hot, yet completely empty, eye-candy guy. Of course, the audience feels sorry for the stooge for about three seconds, only to erupt in spasms of joy when the beautiful couple gets together and has great kids with very straight teeth. And the big man, the lonely big man, the drunken, lonely big man, is stuck at the bar drowning his sorrows and thinking if he becomes bisexual, he would double his chances of getting lucky.

But, I digress.

So, I am at this bar expounding on the virtues of “The Tao” and how it was nice for the big guys and all, when this adorable hand model named Sally said “Oh yeah, big guys are in now.”

”What?”
”Yeah, with 'The Tao of Steve' and Jack Black...big guys are in.”

Sally said it so causally and so self-assuredly, that it had to be true. Oh my God, big guys were in!

I sat there stunned. I mean the last time that zeppelin was the zeitgeist was over 100 years ago. Around the 1900’s, being fat meant that you had a lot of cash, which has always been a chick magnet. Fat men would stroll the boardwalks of America with the hottest actresses and models of the day draped on his beefy appendages. His avoirdupois a sign that he was a success and a man to desire. However, this ended in the ’30s when “Depression chic” became the rage. The fat man was now evil. “Fat Cats” were greedy bad guys and “Fat Heads” were dumb guys. And when Marty cried “Ma, I’m ugly,” the big guy had officially become a sexual untouchable.

But, now big guys were in! I knew this trend would not last long. It had the shelf life of a pog. I immediately paid my bill and walked out of the bar to Universal Studios Citywalk, ready to feed the world’s need for that mountain of love.

Now, if you have never been to Universal Studios Citywalk, let me describe it to you. It is kind of Disneyland’s “It’s A Small World,” come to life. It is always packed with people from around the globe. And, quite frankly, after about ten minutes, you wish it was NOT such a small world. Instead, you wish it was a really BIG world and one that had more soap.

Nevertheless, I stood there with a cocksure expression on my face, wondering which Betty to introduce to my wide, wide world of sports. No agony of defeat here girls! I am ready to be Kerri Struged!

To my surprise, I was receiving no play. Don’t these people know that big guys are in? Jack Black? You know, “The Tao of Steve?” Had the foreign press not reported this? I tried to initiate a whispering campaign. “Hey, psst...big guys in!” “Trampoline of love, here.”

No go.

I remembered back to the movie. Part of the “tao” of Steve was, “we pursue what runs away from us.” So, I tried putting this into practice. Whenever I saw an attractive little filly, I quickly bolted the other way. Surprisingly, not one pursued me.

This continued for the next five hours before I gave up. By then the Citywalk was nearly empty and I was sweating profusely and chafing at the thighs from all the running. Obviously, big guys were out again. I missed my one chance in a hundred years. I probably could have felt-up the passed out chick in the Jurassic Parking Structure, but, instead, I made a self-deprecating remark and drove off.

Oh, man. Ernest Borgnine, where are you?

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesAugust 23, 2000

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesAugust 23, 2000

BIG IS IN??!!!

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
August 23, 2000

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
August 23, 2000