From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
July 18, 2000

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DEW!

On the rare occasion that the Celibacy Poster Child has had a girlfriend (Hey, even a blind squirrel gets a nut now and then!) it always ends in a bad way. But, after the various restraining orders are sorted out and the electronic ankle bracelet is removed from my leg, it is time for the healing process to begin.

That process is different for everyone. Some folks go on a week long drinking binge that ends in a hotel with a hooker who has an unusually large Adam’s Apple. Others dive into a menage a trois with Ben and Jerry, stopping only with their wardrobe is reduced to sweat pants. Not me, I go for the fast sugar shot with a major caffeine chaser. The CPC finds comfort in his tried and true breakup food—Mountain Dew and Hostess Powdered Donuts!

It took years to find the proper combination that soothes as well as satisfies the delicate breakup palate. There was that whole Captain Crunch phase, but after only two breakups the Crunchberries were scraping the roof of my mouth, causing it to bleed profusely. So the Captain went on the breakup garbage heap with the other ill-chosen foods such as Ranch Flavored Corn Nuts and Spicy Pork Rinds. Happily, while I still had my gums, I found the mother’s milk of “the Dew and the Donuts.” I don’t know if it is that Xanthan Gum in the donuts combined with the Brominated Vegetable Oil of the Dew or what, but usually after only two weeks, I am back on the town ready for the next swift kick to the groin! Thank you sir, may I have another?

Note, I said usually!

There are some breakups so heinous that the standard pack of 6 donuts doesn’t even start to clean the bile of love gone bad. Thank God for the Price Club and their 55-gallon drum of powered oral relief.

I remember one potentially promising Poovey whose farewell line as she slammed the door was “you’re jerk and your nipples are too big!” My hands unconsciously shot to cover my man orbs. I was at a loss. Which of the two was the real reason for the relationship’s demise? That I am a jerk or the so-called nipple issue? Horrified, I ran to the yellow pages to see if there is such a thing as a nipplectomy. “Excuse me, Doctor. How much for the Matt Damon dime-sized nipples? Price is no object!” But no luck, the only listing was for a puffy nipple support group in the valley. I immediately ran to the 7-11 and stick my head directly under the Mountain Dew spigot and, soon, all was right with the world.

There was only one other time when the tried and true elixir was powerless to cure. After three days of heavenly bliss, one relationship took a nasty turn during an argument over whether to hit a hard 16 against a face card. Things were said that could not be taken back and it was obvious that this relationship was bust. That’s when Ms. Standard Blackjack spit out, “You have a big butt!” I shot back, “Well, you can’t drive a railroad spike with a tack hammer.” “That’s true,” she said, “but you don’t need a sledge hammer to put in a thumb tack!”

Checkmate.
6-4-3 double play.
The cross on Calvary.

True or not, there is no reply to the small penis attack.

I mean you call her frigid or say she has small breasts, but it’s too late. The cows have left the barn. Besides, she will just say that she could get her breasts enlarged if she wanted, and you would still be stuck holding the short end of the stick. I mean they have penis enlargement surgery, but those things can go horribly wrong. Even if they are successful, it is not a lengthening thing but a widening thing that leaves your man tool looking like one of the weighted donuts that baseball players use in the on-deck circle. Uh, not that I would know.

With all these setbacks, you might think that the Celibacy Posterchild Child would be ready to pack it in. Ready to admit that a life of “table for one” and Juggs magazine was the future. But no, somewhere out there is a Ms. Poovey looking for a slightly overnippled man, who is “a grow-er not a show-er.” And, like Tom Joad, I’ll be there.

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesJuly 18, 2000

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesJuly 18, 2000

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DEW!

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
July 18, 2000

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
July 18, 2000