From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
May 21, 2000

SOMETHING TO CARP ABOUT!

One of the Celibacy Poster Child's biggest fears is that by the time he finally finds his Ms. Poovey, he will be to pooped to poovey. As one guy in his early 40's once told me, "Now it takes all night to do what you used to do all night!" Already 20 years past my sexual peak (it was a Wednesday), my search for Poovey has gained a new intensity. Look out world, big man comin'!

I was in this state of sexual DEFCON 4 last week at the post office, when the postal worker handed me a stack of mail. On the top was a brochure with a headline that screamed, "Sexual Stimulant for 45- to 80-Plus Year-Olds Discovered Accidentally!" I quickly tried to hide this before the worker noticed. Too late. She gave me one of those "Sorry you lost your puppy" looks and shook her head. Humiliated, I left the post office. But, the headline keep popping into my head. How does one "Accidentally" discover a sexual stimulant? Did they walk into a room of guys with boners and say "Hey, look! You guys are all aroused! Whatcha eatin'?" Or, was it a scientist at the beach napping, only to wake up to a sundial convention? I had to know! I ran home as fast as my squatty little legs would allow and triple locked the door.

EDITOR'S NOTE: To avoid the constant use of the word "erection/s" in this essay, I will use the shorthanded version of E!. Not to be confused with the E! Entertainment Channel.

Pouring a big glass of Pepsi One, I opened to the first page. There the accident was revealed. "Scientists Discover Sexual Stimulant For Fish Also Works on Men & Woman!" I was stunned, but longed for more. "Men who suffer from the inability to maintain an E! can now rejoice." It seems that there was this Chinese farmer named Lee Zhang who had a small carp pond. The chore of feeding the carp fell to one of Zhang's blockhead sons and this winner "mistakenly" feed the carp the wrong food for a few months, some kind of a green cattle food supplement. When Zhang discovered the error, he rushed to check on the health of his carp. Fearing the worst, he was surprised to find twice as many baby carp as normal, and the adult carp seemed to mating furiously!

At that moment, I decided two things. I wanted to know more about this supplement and I would never eat carp!

On the next page, we learn the human name for this carp spanish fly...Sexativa Plus! Sexativa Plus. No regular Sexativa for lusty seniors! I quickly leafed past the egghead science stuff and landed on a page of testimonials, or in most cases, testi-moan-ials. One 65-year-old exclaimed, "I feel like a young man! I stood up at the office and had to set down quickly. It was embarrassing but wonderful." "My E!'s are more frequent!" "After two weeks of starting Sexativa, my E!'s are alive and well." Woooieee, look out potential Pooveys! The Celibacy Poster Child is no longer playing with confederate money! Long live Sexativa Plus!

But then reality sets in....there is no Poovey. Does a single man have the need for Sexativa Plus? Isn't it a bit like giving a starving dog a rubber bone? Down (in all ways), but not out...I clip the ad and dream of the day of my own E!'s Hollywood True Story.

till next time...

cpc

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesMay 21, 2000

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesMay 21, 2000

SOMETHING TO CARP ABOUT!

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
May 21, 2000

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
May 21, 2000