From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
November 22, 1999

The "Cheek"

No Ms. Poovey...still.

Contrary to popular opinion, the Celibacy Poster Child has moments of weakness. Being a man, or a least having man parts, sometimes the CPC weakens in his search for Ms. Right and goes for Ms. Right Now. I know that may surprise a few folks, but at times it is tough not to pick the low-hanging fruit. Even if you are not that crazy about that particular fruit, you still have to try and pick it. So after a drunken concert the other night, in my best Tom Joad form, I reached for the fruit and got....the “Cheek.”

The “Cheek???” I am thirty-eight-years-old and I get the “Cheek!?” Like I was back in 9th-grade at the Halloween party in the cafetorium trying to get to first base with a new 7th-grader! This is not cool. My mood ring turns to black.

Now for those lucky few out there who have escaped this fate let me tell you what the “Cheek” is. It is that moment when you go in for a kiss and the person you are trying to kiss, reacting with a mixture of fear and disgust, quickly whips their head around to avoid lip contact, leaving the kiss to land on the open plains of the “Cheek.” Basically a no-harm, no-foul, no-fun, no-sex area. However, as any student of nonverbal communication can tell you, the person who gets the “Cheek” is in a great harm and very foul area. The “Cheek” is like a big sign that says “Not only can you not trespass, but your fat ass is NEVER going through my gate!” Nothing short of nonverbal emasculation.

What is most damning is getting the “Cheek” in Los Angeles. I mean all people do in this town is kiss. You run into someone you haven’t seen in a while, you kiss them. You kiss your friends, your enemies, I see folks practically slipping tongue to homeless people. And I get the “Cheek!” There is no God.

Now the worst part of the whole thing is not the moment of the “Cheek,” but the next time you see the person. They look at you with this mixture of power and pity. Like, “Thanks for wanting to go on this ride, but come back when you’re a little taller.” How do you get over it? And the kicker is that I didn’t even like the person in a sex dog way, I was just going for the low-hanging fruit! The FDA says 5-to-7 servings of fruit a day, I was just trying to stay healthy. Now I am suffering from sexual scurvy. Love rickets!

So, that friendship is over, which stinks. But, it had to be done. Friends that give other friends the “Cheek” aren’t friends at all. Remember that young readers.

Poovey, where are you?????

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesNovember 22, 1999

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesNovember 22, 1999

The "Cheek"

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
November 22, 1999

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
November 22, 1999