From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
August 26, 1999

"You've Got A Male!"

As has been well-chronicled, the Celibacy Poster Child will stop at no limits to try to find his ladylove. However, after years of fruitless rejections and numerous restraining orders, I was at my wit’s end. There had to be someone out there for me. Heck, Michael Jackson has been married...twice! Richard Ramirez, aka The Night Stalker, killed 15 people and was wed on death row. Even Gomer Pyle had Ms. Poovey. Where’s my Ms. Poovey?

It was at this low point that my platonic friend, Paula, suggested I try finding a girl on the internet. She said there were hundreds of sites devoted solely to pairing star-crossed lovers. And, since no lover was as star-crossed as I, I gave it a try.

I started my search at Yahoo! I chose Yahoo! because it reminded me of a girl in Oklahoma who at, the height of passion would shout out “Yahoo, ride me cowboy!” And even if you weren’t a cowboy or hadn’t ridden a pony since you were six, her cry made you want to slap on some chaps and bust a few broncos. You should have seen the little doggies git along when she was around.

After typing in the word “personals” in the search engine and hitting return, my mouth opened in amazement as over five hundred different sites appeared on my computer screen. A tingle ran up my spine, because I knew that somewhere between “A Foreign Affair—specializing in mail order brides from the Slavic regions,” and “Yenta, the Student Matchmaker,” was my Ms. Poovey.

My friends...I can honestly tell you that I went through each and every site on the list. Including, the Christian Singles who wanted to know my favorite character in the Bible. My answer of Onan the seed spiller, got me banned quickly. There was the Arkansas Gay & Lesbian Singles site which truly surprised me, because when I grew up in Arkansas, if someone came out of the closet, they came all the way out...to California.

I thought perhaps a mail-order bride would be nice. I spent many nights torn between Tatyana, a 26-year-old weather girl in Kiev, and Meeka, the 23-year-old business student in the Philippines. Each was seeking a better life in America. Could I be so desperate as to turn that lust for a green card into some bouncy-bouncy for the big man? Of course, I could. But then the “hostess/pimp” at the mail order site wanted five thousand dollars just to set up an introduction! Sorry Tatyana, but a big cold front just blew in from the West.

Finally, I struck the mother lode, a place called Matchmaker U.S.A. This was no “throw-a-dart-in-a-sea-of-women” place. No willy-nilly random choosing. Oh, no! They used the highest scientific resources and the latest technology to find the woman that most complemented me. And with over ten thousand women using their service, surely my Ms. Poovey would be among them.

Sweat oozed out of every pore as I filled out their exhaustive questionnaire. It took hours, but visions of the Celibacy Poster Child flinging his crown into the ocean spurned me on. Four hundred questions later, I was ready. I hit the return button knowing that within seconds I would learn the identity of my future partner. Would she be a 31-year-old teacher from Torrance looking for a big man to keep her warm on those frosty South Bay nights? Or, maybe, a 37-year-old librarian from Santa Monica, who would breathlessly explain the Dewey Decimal system to me. And even though I know the Dewey Decimal system like the back of my hand, I would listen in complete awe.

However, it was not to be. Out of the ten thousand women in the Matchmaker U.S.A. database, my perfect match was...

Mary, a 61-year-old retired grandmother from Bend, Oregon. And although Mary could bake some mean brownies, I knew it would never work. Even if I set aside my dream of becoming a father BEFORE I am a grandfather, there was still her whole Eisenhower fixation to deal with.

So the search for Ms. Poovey goes on. Until next time, Yahoo!

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesAugust 26, 1999

From the Celibacy Posterchild ArchivesAugust 26, 1999

"You've Got A Male!"

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
August 26, 1999

From the Celibacy Posterchild Archives
August 26, 1999