September '99 Acting Journal

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1999

GILBERT GOTTFRIED FOR THE BLOCK!
Randleman auditions for the "Hollywood Squares!"

About three seconds after my cherry-topped friend, Holly Morris, (cherry-topped in the sense of having red hair, not in the sense of being covered with cherries, but now that I think about it...never mind) won a new $27,000 car and 3 large in cash on the "Hollywood Squares," I was on the phone dialing up the contestant line faster than a woman dating Jim Brown calls 911! As I waited to leave my pertinent information, my mind flashed back to my previous game show experience. I quickly hung up the phone.

A quick background note, most TV game shows are shot in LA. A good number of the contestant are actors (except for "The Price is Right." I have no clue where they get those nuts!). Most actors have the high energy needed for an entertaining show, as well as the ability to smile endlessly without being drunk. It is a great way to pick up some easy dough, between waiting table and donating plasma.

My first audition for a game show, was for a short-lived program called "Majority Rules." It was a new game show from Dreamworks that was only shown in Phoenix. Unlike most game shows, it gave out cash, and, a lot of it. I met one girl in a bar that won $40,000 in two games and I was on the phone faster than Bill when Hill is out of town. After, a great tryout (I was smiling like a hillbilly with a new batch of shine), I was chosen to be a contestant on the show. Here is where the nightmare began.

I thought that once I was picked, I could go back to my normal Joe Cool self. You know, a little less smiling. Bad move. On the day of taping, they shot 5 shows, each with 4 contestants. To make sure they have enough contestants they overbook, this day there were 20 folks for 15 slots. So 15 people have will get a shot at riches, five would be hunchbacks. Friends, meet Quasimodo. It turns out the talent handlers were horrified that I brought a book to read! And, I wasn't smiling! The coordinator walked over to ask me if I felt okay. I assured him I was fine, but it was too late. I was a Richard III in a "Baywatch" world. The show was canceled before they invited me back and thousands of dollars flittered away, just because I was a reader. Damn books!

However, I faced my fear and made the appointment to tryout for the "Squares." Believe me, when I went, I didn't even take a newspaper, baby. And smile, man, did I smile, like a weird guy selling Grit magazine. I had to take 2 Aleve when I got home. After an anxious week of waiting, I angrily started to compose a letter accusing the show of "sizism." Then I got the word, I am now in their active files and could be called at any moment. And, when the call comes, I be on the phone faster than...well, fast. Until then, "Batter Up!"

p.s. Good news on the agent search....story developing.....

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1999

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!
Randleman gets an agent!

There is an expression that time heals all wounds. Yeah, tell that to the metal plate in my head. But, the angst of the past agentless month is starting to dissipate. For this my friends will be very relieved. I charted the frequency of my whining to the infrequency of their calling and came to the conclusion that if my free agent status continued much longer even the telemarketers would stop calling.

I mean, other than the timing, the effects of the loss of my last agent are really negotiable. I was not getting out a lot and my acting jobs of the past couple of years could be broken down into two categories a.) delivery guys and b.) guys in bars (either as a patron or bartender). I am the Alec Guiness of bar actors, easily transforming from suds-drinker to tap-puller in a flash. I could do a night of bar people that would knock the critics on the ass! (Memo to self--work on "Bar People--Stories from the Stool!)

Of course, this downplaying of the crisis has been brought about by one thing--A NEW AGENT. Yes, I have a new agent and didn't even have to do the "casting couch" thing! Many thanks go to my old Second City Santa Monica castmate Amy DeBartolomeis, who facilitated the meeting that led to the signing with Michael Zanuck, of the Zanuck, Passon & Pace Agency! And folks, I am fired-up. Cynic that I am, very rarely has an agent filled me with the warm fuzzies. I am warmer and fuzzier than I have been in a while. This feeling compounded when Michael went with me to my photo shot, something I have never heard of--an agent going to photo shot?! Of course, it may just be smoke up my skirt, but believe me, sometimes a little smoke in the nether regions ain't bad.

Oh, and by the way, I have my first audition with my new agent tomorrow...it's for the WB show "For Your Love." It is for the part of a .....guy in a bar. "Batter Up!"

p.s. Last time I mentioned Holly, my "Hollywood Squares" friend. As if $30,000 in cash and car wasn't enough, she has been invited to be on the Squares "Tournament of Champions." It tapes on September 26, and the results will be listed here.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 1999

HARRISON FORD, MOLLY SHANNON, TORI AMOS....AND RANDLEMAN'S BUTT CRACK!
"Tonight" Show #108!

A few times in life you come face-to-face with the consequences of a "road not taken" decision. The "what might have been, if I..." question that haunts us all at times. One such moment took place last week, when I got the call for my 108th "Tonight" show.

Of all the acting experiences I have had the past two decades, few can match the thrill of walking on the set of the "Tonight" show. Unlike a movie, where the results of your work won't be seen for months, at the "Tonight" show you know in a few hours your image will be seen by millions of folks across the country on the No. 1-rated late night show. Even though I am now over the 100 appearance mark, I still get excited when I get the call and mope when a length of time passes between calls. Though not officially named, like "The Mighty Carson Arts Players," I proudly consider myself a member of the "Commedia dell' Leno" stock players. In the Leno stock company, I am the big guy.

Being the big guy means, among other things, taking off the shirt for a cheap laugh, stuffing massive amounts of food into your mouth and, in the case of "TNT" show #108, a willingness to show the butt crack. The butt crack window was shattered by Dan Aykroyd on the early "Saturday Night Live." I have tried valiantly, with the help of the "Tonight" show to keep the window open. Some find it degrading, some don't. I avoid the ones who find it degrading.

Back to last Wednesday. I am strolling into Studio 3, and I see that Molly Shannon is on the show. Molly and my careers intersected several times in the early '90s. In 1990, we had small parts in the play JB at a crummy little Hollywood theatre where, between dodging the transvestite prostitutes and having half the cast robbed at gunpoint, we waited for "our break." The next year, we did a couple of commercials for one of the most hated organizations in America. And for a short time, we were part of a fledgling sketch comedy group, that I dropped out of. After that, our career paths veered dramatically, to say the least. So on this night, Molly is the 2nd guest (after Harrison Ford) sitting on the panel pushing her new movie and I am walking in so that Jay can mic my butt crack.

Now let me say, Molly deserves it all. No one worked harder and few people are funnier. This entry is more of a "Hey Mike, where did you go wrong?" There are many theories. Was it my love for games of chance? Was a fear of failure? You know, critical people always hate to be criticized. Was it pure laziness?

In the end, to dwell on it is a waste of energy. You can't unring the bell. All you can do is work hard to get ready for the next chance and hope, with a little luck, it makes the difference.

Until then, I will keep the butt crack in shape. Batter Up!

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