August '99 Acting Journal

THURSDAY, AUGUST 12, 1999
I LOSE MY AGENT!

The fall season is underway. The long hiatus that runs from mid-May till the beginning of August is over. For actors, its "working time." August until mid-November and January through mid-May are the two most productive times of the year and you can feel the excitement when you drive-by the studio lots and see shows gearing up for production. With six networks, plus cable channels pumping out product you want yourself and your agent to be ready. It turns out that I am ready, but my agent is not.

This morning after working on my girlish figure at the gym, I receive a poorly-typed form letter from my agency stating, "(we) have decided to go back to being a smaller agency...specializing in kids and young adult. I suggest you SEEK another agency..." etc. etc. bullshit...etc. This is nothing less than a well-placed kick in the groin. "Thank sir, may I have another!" Now, I can't emphasize the horrid timing of this letter. RIGHT WHEN THE SEASON STARTS! At a time when most agencies have their rosters set. If this had happened a month before, I could have had a better chance of hooking up with a quality agent, now I have to throw out ropes and see who will pull my sorry carcuss in.

Now, in the past, I would say "F*** it, life is short, twice around the fountain and you're gone, pallie." Then get stinkin' blotto. Of course, that past approach is why I am with an agent that now only represents "Olsen-twin wannabees." So now instead of a strong start to the best season of my career, I am like "Joe New-In-Town," mailing out resumes to dudes with bad combovers. Maybe one beer will be okay. Till next time "Batter Up!"

THURSDAY, AUGUST 26, 1999
LOOKING UP FROM THE BOTTOM (THE AGENT SEARCH BEGINS)!

I knew I was in trouble when I opened the Ben & Jerry's Triple Caramel. In the past, my downward plunges have been marked by massive ice cream consumption (and corresponding weight gain). Happily, I have limited the damage to one pint/unknown pounds. The last two agentless weeks have been one "watching the History Channel in my underwear funkfest." Photo available on request.

So, it is time to stand up, put down the remote (right after this History Channel special on the history of shoelaces) and get a new agent. Though, I predict that it will take it a while. Last week, I did one of the "pay-to-be-seen" workshops, where desperate actors pay to audition for agents, who are there for a quick paycheck. Kind of like paying a hooker to tell you how good you are in bed. I guess I didn't make an impression on these four agents/hookers, I have yet to hear from them. So it is time for the agent mailings. The average life of the photo you send to an agent is slightly less than that of a second lieutenant in battle--11 second from envelope to trash can. I have gotten an agent this way (as well as one at the pay-to-be-seen), but it is very expensive and mind numbing to send out a 100 photos and get one or two calls, if your lucky. That sends you right to the Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia.

Despite the funk, I have been able to catch several films and plays. Movies--"Dick" (funny, but not as funny as I hoped) & "Bowfinger" (very funny). Plays--"The First Picture Show" (a new play at the Taper, entertaining, but lightweight), "Footloose" (the LA opening at the Pantages, see Media Mike's review) & a night of one acts by Theresa Rebeck called "Rebeck Revisited" (excellent writing, but I was distracted by the poor shoes wore by the actors. Note to actors, don't skimp on the shoes! Shine those puppies. It does no good to have a nice suit and scuffed shoes.)

Well, more next time, "Blunders in War" is about to start and I need to finish the Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey, till next time-- "Batter Up!"